For the last two years I have hid from exercise. The mere thought of it made me weak in the stomach. I would do a little yoga off and on but I could never bring myself to push like I used to. Before, I would get into my exercise and really, really enjoy pushing past my comfort and learning what my body could do. So it has been strange these last two years to have no desire to do so.
This week I started a new plan to exercise every day for my health and for the sole reason that I owe it to my kids to take care of myself. I had to hide it under that vail so I wouldn’t quit or run.
Today was day number four and I had a huge revelation. I was working out hard and I hit a wall. A wall of healthy discomfort and then weakness. I wanted to quit and shut down. Then the tears came and feelings I felt almost two years ago came rushing in so strongly I almost thought they were real again. It was in that moment that I could see it for what it was.
My pregnancy and delivery for Jack was hard. I say that and I truly feel I am putting it mildly. I am sure there are worse stories out there, but for me, in my little world, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure both mentally and physically. For months I was so sick that I was bed ridden and knocked out, quite literally. The hormones that made me so sick were so strong that they sent a signal to my body to release extra relaxin which resulted in symphysis publis dysfunction, or in real words, extreme pelvic pain that impaired walking or doing anything without pain. As it turns out that is not the worst part. SPD can cause exreme pain in labor. And for me it did just that. My labor brought me to a point I have and hope to never return to again. I had been through two natural births before and this, well this one can’t touch it. Just typing and my heart is racing, I am breaking into a sweat and feel all tingly. It was the farthest I have ever been pushed mentally or physically. I was literally begging my body to just shut down.
And at that moment today, two whole years later, I felt a panic wash over me. I was afraid of the pain. In that instant I saw it for what it was and for the first time I understood the fear. I was afraid of not being in control of the pain. Like I was in my pregnancy where I just had to endure the sickness and the pain and then most especially during my labor. This was huge. Not a minute later I was able to reassure myself that this pain was different. To accept my fear and where it was coming from but show myself that by pushing through it, I was stronger and most importantly I was in control.
In the hours that passed, I felt like I had a piece of my life back. I felt different. I truly felt my smile a little deeper, my laugh a little louder, I even felt silly and giddy. I had no idea yesterday that this part of me was missing on such a level. And yet today I am thankful to finally understand.
